Mindless Babble

The 16th/17th of this month was my 15 anniversary of our first 'date'. Dec 23rd will be our 14 year wedding anniversary. I would like everyone to know that I still love him.

In our early 20s we were scared about life, partied too much and did things that hurt each other while we partied too much. Although we accepted those actions, we never really forgot them or really forgave them. Either too stubborn or too scared to let a third party help us, we let them fester. We entered our 30s and we both changed quite a bit but we both held onto those action done by each other even though they have long been done and not seen again. But we couldn't communicate. 3+ years ago I started to individuate, got a sense of what I wanted to be, which caused tension, lots of tension. Again, because of us being too scared or too stubborn to let a third party intervene we let it fester and we got bitter. It got bad, very bad, and I left.
First three months I was too angry to apologize or accept apology, and I stayed away. Next 4 months I can back, not as husband and wife, but as roommates. But even as roommates I did not have room to grow. After the house foreclosed and we moved to separate apartments did I really have time to grow. Over the next 4 to 5 months we were getting closer and closer. I was spending more time with him, spending more time at his house then mine. I was feeling again but lying to myself otherwise. It was good, very good. I was happy, and despite not having me there with him 24/7 he was happy too. But he wanted more and I was not ready yet. I lied to myself and to him that I would never be ready. Not on purpose, I just didn't know.
An old girlfriend contacted him on Facebook and what was just a coffee meet up quickly became more. Before I could realize my true feelings and do anything about it, it blossomed into something big very fast. That was my kick in the ass. My kick in the ass could have been when we finailly sat down to go over the divorce paperwork, but this, this happened first. It was my wake up call.
I decided that instead of just giving lip service to letting a third party help us heal, I actually followed through. I will be having my third session on Tuesday, and will continue to go as long as I am here, and were ever I go to continue to heal.

I love my husband and I want him back. He completes me, he is my counter balance and I his. He is my best friend in the whole world and I am lost without him. I shout out to everyone, I love Frank Xavier Ledo.

Today without clothes on I weight 198.4 lbs.

On Sept 17th I downloaded an iPhone app for calorie counting. I set it up and I guesstimated my weight at 208 from my last time I weighed myself at home roughly a few days earlier. First I picked a program that would let me lose 2 lbs a week, but by day end I was really hungry, so I moved it to 1.5 lbs a week, which is 1654 calories. I think the problem I've had with counting calories diets was that I never added calories back into the pool for workout and exercise I did. I would end up 'cheating' and eating over and beyond my calorie intake and would give up because I thought I had no will power. When in reality I *was* suppose to eat more calories if I also exercised.

I like this app because it shows you day and week. So if you mess up a little on a day you can try to make it up over the course of the week. I also like it because it has tons of exercises to pick, even house cleaning (which I think is over kill calorie wise so I always select half of the time that I actually put in).

I like it because I don't have to stop eating certain foods completely. If I want a Jack in the Box $1 cheeseburger (700 calories per sandwich) I know I have to either eat less on another meal and/or go on the treadmill for an hour.

Does it work? well I selected 1.5 lbs a week minimum 5 weeks ago and I've lost 10 lbs. I should be at 7.5 lbs lost, I'm over that!

My goal is 145 lbs. I have 53 lbs to go!

Where you might find me around town:

Monday: Hobnob - 1313 Park St. Alameda. $1 sliders and $2 buds

Tuesday: Forbidden Island - 1304 Lincoln Ave Alameda. $5 China Clippers, Neptune's Garden and Island Mai Tai's all night. Entertainment: Julie' Coffee and Tea 1223 Park St Alameda 7 to 9 PM live music Free

Wednesday: Alameda Wine Co. 2315 Central Avenue Alameda. (6 to 8 PM) $5 wine flight (refunded with a purchase of a bottle). Entertainment: Uptown 1928 Telegraph Ave Oakland Pirate Cat Radio showcase of local bands, free.

Thursday: (double shot) Franklin Square 2212 Broadway (5 to 7) $1 wine tasting, 5 PM to 6 PM is happy hour, free food. Wine selection changes each week. followed by: The Terrace Room at The Lake Merritt Hotel: starting at 6 PM free wine tasting with $5 menu pairings. Wine selection is the same seasonal, but the pairing changes each time.

2nd Friday: Stork Club 2330 Telegraph Ave Oakland Deathrock Dive Bar
4th Thursday: Uptown 1928 Telegraph Ave Oakland Shadow Society

i haven't post a video before so I'm not sure if it works. my kitty.

My kitty begging

I went in and did floors on the morning of my day off instead of doing them last night. Multiple co workers asked why and when I said "after working for 11 hours I really wanted to go home" most nodded in agreement one asked why I was there for so long. I told her we are almost a packed house and I did all the laundry and I walked dogs, which is the short version.

( For those of you interested in the long version here it is. )

11.5 hours there, 10.5 hours on the job. I had blisters on top of blisters on my feet.

Yesterday I did walk off the job, for like 3 minutes.

the build up:

* got yelled at for not having floors completed by 7:45 AM
* getting called about barking dogs, twice. each time I was in the process of bringing them in, but had to drop everything to run to the phone to be told there are barking dogs outside. 2nd time I had one of the dogs in my hand, but there was still another outside.
* going to retrieve and/or process 8 new arrivals, 7 cats and 1 dog. and before I could finish all the little tiny things that needs to be done with each animal I get a call for the next and then the next and then the next. Literally had mounds of cat crates all over the kennel floor.
* being scoffed at for not having completed tasks instantaneously.
* feelings of guilt because i let dogs stand in the own poop for at least 4 hours, if not more
* Being called to the hospital to hold this dog or that dog and have the front ring ring ring ring the back and there is shit I can do because I am holding a dog down and then have them call in a huff to the middle.
* feelings of guilt because I didn't serve breakfast to 2/3 of the dogs until noon. (that what I did with my own lunch, I fed the dogs)
* having a blood sugar crash because I skipped both breakfast and lunch, break in to sweat, and get the shakes and become dizzy.
* get yelled at for not being on top of the laundry
* ask to retrieve a set of cats, one be super sweet, the other bite me through the leather gloves having to take time to wash it off, try again, fail, try to get help, have the cat escape and run under the cages and be impervious to water and hear the phone ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring because we are taking so long and finally have someone come up in a huff because it shouldn't take so long to get such a nice cat.
the straw that broke the camels back
* once said psycho kitty was in it crate I took it up to me told there is a dog for boarding... I open the door and see a yellow lab... and as my brain is working I hear... "b is here to board until Tuesday" it is the dog that bite me, bite two of my co workers and bite one girl who no longer works there... at least. I said "Oh [bleep] no" dropped my lead and walked down the hall, clocked out, grabbed my things and left

I returned 3 minutes later...

for the rest of the afternoon I had a knot in my tummy for my behavior because I thought I was going to lose my job... however, "Daddy" (that what one of the front people call him) came in to prep for painting and I told him I was sorry, behaved badly, said things in front of a client I shouldn't.... he asked me who and what and I told him and his reaction... shit eating grin and a "don't worry about it".

My usual coworker gets annoyed with me on a regular bases because I tend to do things she deems not to be that important. Things like laundry, dishes, feeding the dogs early. In the afternoon it is the post baths, more dishes and laundry and feeding the dogs.
Days that I do things half ass to appease her I get a talking to by the doctors. And the days I'm not there at all she really gets yelled at. Like Tuesday evening when she barely touched any laundry.
Since then not only has she NOT done laundry or dishes (which is usual for her) she now leaving me most of the dogs to deal with while she does afternoon tasks when it is still morning.
Today I finally finished walking and feeding all the dogs and was taking a mini break before a bath when she had the gall to tell me to hurry up.

I love this kitty!!!

She was not a happy kitty earlier today. nothing broken, she needs to take low dose aspirin while her sprain heals.

I got infested with moth larva and had to throw away my food. Went to target and got quart sized mason jars and re bought my dry goods. Take that pantry moths.

Nom nom

Cat sitting one of the docs cats while she is on vacation. This is buddha.

Went to the dentist yesterday for post and build up on two teeth i had root canals on. It was more painful than the actual root canal. I got an infection post root canal and i think that small puss bubble caused a sensitive area that just wouldn't get numb.
Going in for my crowns the same day as depeche mode.
This it the last bit me major work needed. The rest is pretty much cosmetic.

Wanna come over to a swanky sky rise over looking the oakland hills and have wine booze and/or a movie. Email frank@frankledo.com

Saw ragtime tonight. It was entertaining. Was in a sour mood before hand so would have been more fun he i was in a decent mood.
The actress who played sarah has such a powerful and moving voice.
The first act had two noticeable equipment glitches. The car wouldn't leave the stage without aid and the bridge was slow to come together.
There was some over acting but not bad acting per say.
The openin song made me teary eyed just my the shear power me the voices. I wasn't alone, i say my neighbor swipe away a few tears.
I'm not sure it was worth 37 bucks but i'm glad i say it.

Opening night of ragtime at the Kofman theater

It is Saturday and I've just lost the last 3 hours tinkering around on the computer. updating my stream, reading facebook, looking at someone's old Jr. High / high school photo (I am in a few). reading mail, twitter and so on...

... and my apartment is still a move-in mess and I've been here for a month and 2 weeks... bah.

Two Alameda productions started this weekend.

"The Spitfire Grill" started yesterday $20
http://www.altarena.org/

and

"Ragtime" starts tonight $34
http://www.aclo.com/index.php

anyone wanna go? We could meet there about 90 minutes before hand, purchase tickets and than get dinner. If sold out just get dinner somewhere.